Saturday 2nd January 2016

12.10pm – the monkey on my back

Saturday afternoon sitting at home on my own while T works – how strange. Spent the past hour or so researching Infliximab and the Equality Act online, getting geared up for a battle with school.

The Deputy Head (DH) and the Head at school are giving me the silent treatment since I emailed them to say I would not be back at work for the first week of spring term. I’m finding it really hard to not churn the things I’ve said (or plan to say) about my illness over and over in my head. At times I feel guilty, like I’m making excuses for myself but on the other hand I know that rationally, I deserve to take the time off I need to get better. Why do I feel so in thrall to my work?

Last night I researched side-effects of Infliximab and it seems as though during clinical trials there have been occasions where people have had delayed hypersensitivity reactions. In fact, the Crohn’s and Colitis UK website now has a memo about the different types of reactions people experience. These reactions include arthralgia and lupus-like symptoms, so the severe joint pain I experienced sounds a lot like it fits the bill.

My worry is that when I mention this to the IBD nurse or the doctors, they will either A: brush it off (which would make me anxious about the lack of monitoring of severe reactions to this drug) or B: stop the treatment because of the risk of a future reaction. It seems like it’s working, so I’d be gutted if I had the treatment withdrawn.

I’m also concerned about newly qualified teacher (NQT) stuff at school. Mum says that the deadline for the NQT report is the 8th of January (which I’ll miss). Will this mean that my first term has gone to waste? I really need to hear back from my DH – who’s also my NQT mentor – so that I can stop stressing about school and focus on getting better.

I have to admit, I took a prochlorperazine (tablet I’m prescribed for anti sickness) as its also used for treating short-term anxiety. I know it’s probably not a good idea to take this when I don’t feel sick, but I feel so anxious about school / getting sick and it helps with this. Will need to start thinking up some better coping strategies. T said to me yesterday that my worrying was starting to annoy her, which pissed me off. I know it’s not rational, but it’s still real.

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