Wednesday 6th January 2016

8am – F*ck up clinic

Slept marginally better last night but so fed up of waking up constantly, tossing and turning. T was on nights so I didn’t have to worry about waking her up, which I think helped.

Tomorrow morning I will have my first follow-up clinic appointment since I’ve been discharged from hospital. On the letter it says calls it a ‘F-UP clinic’, which may or may not be apt. I had thought that I was guaranteed to receive my next dose of Infliximab but it seems like Dr. S wants to discuss this with me at clinic.

Not sure what his thinking is, as this was all relayed to me by my IBD nurse. I told her on Monday that my symptoms were much better but that I had a delayed hypersensitive reaction on Christmas Day. Perhaps she mentioned the latter point to Dr. S and he’s cautious about giving me another dose unless its absolutely needed.

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Thursday 24th December 2015

3.45am – today’s side effects, brought to you by Infliximab

Good news – I’m free! Bad news – I feel like shit.

Well, when I first woke up (at 1.15am) I didn’t feel bad; rather, my mind was racing – I felt as though I had slept a lot longer than three hours thanks to that viscerally wired feeling you get as a steroid side-effect.

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Thursday 10th December 2015

5am – the morning of my admission for ulcerative colitis rescue therapy

“You gotta go!”

Awake at 4am. This has become the norm over recent weeks. I can’t quite put my finger on the root cause: it could be the fact that my class (I’m a Year 1 teacher, for my sins) are always running through my head; or it could be the side-effect of the steroids I’ve been taking for almost a year.

More likely, it’s my body’s way of saying “You gotta go, girl!” – which is increasingly the backing track of my mornings.

When I’m lying awake in bed trying desperately to not wake up my fiancée T with my endless shuffling around, I often think about just how deeply and blissfully I used to sleep. Long lie-ins which characterised weekend mornings (punctuated only by the occasional hangover) of only a couple of years ago now feel like a distant memory.

This morning feels different…

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